For many years now, I have been a hardcore drinker. I started drinking pretty heavily in my early twenties(currently I’m 36). At first, I started drinking as a new experience. I felt as though I had led a fairly uneventful adolescence, so I tried to make up for it when I got to college. One way to achieve this goal was by going to parties and engaging in whatever mind-bending substance was offered to me(and there were a few), but what stuck with me the most was alcohol. I felt really free when I got drunk; no matter how embarrassing the situation was, I didn’t care when I was drunk. I spoke my mind regardless of how it might make other people feel. I am a firm believer that if you want to really get to know a person, do some type of drug with them. It doesn’t necessarily have to be alcohol( weed can also get someone’s true character out). In fact, I once read that in South Korea, whenever a business deal is about to be made, it’s usually over drinks to really get a chance to know the person you’re going to work with. I honestly had some of the most intimate conversations with people I had just met, because we’re both under the influence.
At first, I was only drinking socially and having a great time doing it. But eventually I began to drink alone. You see, I’ve always suffered from occasional depression(or at least since I was in high school), but I found other avenues to deal with it, especially sports. But after my foray into drinking, I began substituting that as a way of coping.
Drinking heavily as I do has cost me many things over the years: Jobs, my health, my finances, and relationships. Every time it has, I’ve set a purpose to be quiet. I’ve tried using dating sites as motivation to get out and meet people as a distraction, but funny enough, I would start drinking again and find a way to mess up any potential relationship. I started doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, it worked well in the beginning, but soon I found myself relapsing and not even going anymore. I would have people in my life try to intervene, family, friends, and even coworkers. I would listen and appreciate it and genuinely attempt to stop, not for my sake, but for the people around me. I’ve done counseling, and it helps a bit; mostly, it was just having someone keep me accountable. Almost like a life coach telling me what I should be doing and making sure I’m not drinking.
My problem is that every time I try to be quiet, I do well in the beginning. I’ll go a month without drinking, and then that day will come when I’m just bored at home and I decide to make that ten-minute walk to the liquor store, and get me a bottle of whiskey and start all over again.
Recently, I got arrested after attacking various family members in my household. I was held for three days, released, but not allowed to go to my childhood home. I was essentially homeless. The thing that was a saving grace was that I had my wallet with my ID and credit cards, so I was able to stay at a hotel for a few nights. But being at a hotel was unsustainable, especially since I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have my cellphone, so I couldn’t get in contact with anyone. I was for the first time truly by myself. I thought of this, maybe as an opportunity to become truly self-reliant. I had an order of protection issued by the D.A. against my whole family, so I couldn’t go home to even get my stuff. I had to get a new cell just to be able to contact some friends to see if I can crash on their couch. After visiting a men’s shelter and looking inside. I told I would rather max all my credit cards staying at a hotel than being there.
Luckily, I got in contact with an old friend who’s letting me sleep in their cellar. I was able to speak with my family, who said they forgave me and that I should come home after the order of protection was up. I’m currently boxing, reading, eating better, and staying fit. My only goal as of right now is going back home, getting a job, and doing my best to stay sober.
Da Joanis Project 